i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
