i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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