You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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