FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
