Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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