Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
