sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
