I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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