i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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