I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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