he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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