I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
