Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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