is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
