I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
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what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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