I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
