Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
