I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize