my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
