Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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