Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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