My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
