And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
