my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
