Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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