I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
