I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
