i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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