$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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