You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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