love makes seman taste better
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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