I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
