Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
