Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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