wakey wakey hands off snakey
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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