we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
