i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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