I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
