Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
