I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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