wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
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She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
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I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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