I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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