life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
