I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
