i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
