I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
