I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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