Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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