I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
