o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize