I will die if light touches me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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