I think I just saw someone hide a body.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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