I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
