fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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