Got a toothbrush?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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