Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
